AN EXPERIENCE OF LOSS

The tightness in my chest
Felt like the bones that were meant to protect my insides turned on me
I couldn’t breathe anymore
I could see the trees swaying from the window in the corner but it seemed like the air meant for me to live was gone
I bent down for a second
I needed to remind myself to breathe
I know that sounds funny because we don’t think to breathe
But in this moment I had to tell myself to breathe

It felt like I was a director of a movie
And my cast keeps on leaving
How is the movie supposed to move on?
How am I supposed to perform my director role without them?
A replacement feels like I’m betraying the one who left
But even though I would want to
No one can really replace them

After my wave of breathless came an emptiness
A hearing but not listening
A looking but not seeing
I felt not there
Because I really didn’t want to be here for this
I didn’t want to be here for this

This may sound selfish I know, but I wanted to go first
Because just the thought of being left and not leaving first was heart wrenching
Wanting to feel it all but didn’t know how
I’ve never seen how to
I’ve never read how to because I guess no one has come close to defining this
What I was feeling right now
It was sickening

The experience of loss
How it can be sudden or slow
You know it will happen but just not today
Not tomorrow either
I am not denying the eventuality but just not now
Not just when I’ve realized their value
I used to see her be my mother but this is when she has become my friend
And just when I was exploring that dynamic
She is gone
Just when I got used to my Dad tucking me into bed
He is gone
Just when I realized what a friend they were
They are gone
Oh how it can be sudden or slow

My heart sinking to the pit of my stomach like its being anchored down
You want to tear it out but its not in the place it should be found
I just keep on tugging at my shirt cause I need to pull it out
Feeling it all and an urgent need for it to stop

This is all I felt and more when I lost someone I loved
But me reading Matthew 14 right now
I reach the part explaining the incidents concerning the beheading of John the Baptist
The news reaching Jesus and him leaving privately in a boat to go to a secluded place
The crowds hearing about his location and following him on foot
Jesus going ashore only to see a large crowd and he felt PROFOUND COMPASSION for the crowd and healed their sick
‘Wait, what!’
He literally just heard the news of the loss of John the baptist and he felt compassion?
He lost someone dear to him and he had time to feel compassion for someone?
This is the Jesus in human form experiencing human feelings BUT he felt compassion even when he was hurting

In the evening of that same day his disciples advice him to send the people away but he dismisses their advice and feeds them
He literally just received the news of the loss of John the Baptist
‘Wow’
In my moment of bible reading I am left awestruck
What manner of love is this?
To feel compassion when you are hurting
A recap of my loss highlights something very clearly
I was not thinking of helping anyone because I was HURT
I just lost someone I loved
What manner of love is this Lord?
To send your Son to die for me and you
To show compassion to a person who literally forgets your goodness in an instant
But even so, you keep on Loving me
He keeps on loving you
I am awestruck
I am speechless
I am amazed at such a manner of love

I have not yet found the words to articulate the exact way I feel
But something I’m sure of God
Is how grateful I am for the gift of your Son JESUS CHRIST

21 thoughts on “AN EXPERIENCE OF LOSS

  1. Beautiful….. Walking in the shoes of the writer and feeling the panic one’s going through, emotions that can’t be really put to words…. And it’s amazing seeing the heart behind one dealing with the loss of a loved one….. It’s made me appreciate life and reminded me to value those I have around me. And looking at Jesus story of how he dealt with loss and grief was amazing. Thank you Tasha

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is beautiful 🤩
    For a moment I felt really sad because of the depth of the writing in it’s Genesis 🥺🥺, but then my soul gets soothed by the good news of deep love shown even when I hurt😮😯🙌🏽🙌🏽
    This is beautiful 💙💙

    Like

  3. Personally I have experienced loss,and just reading this made me visit places I related to and also see Christ for who He is as a comforter🤗😊Thank you for the beautiful piece King’s Kid.Keep elevating☝

    Like

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