A HEART OF DISCONTENTMENT

All I see is the black dot on a white canvas
Crack in the wall
Hole in the jar
The absent over the present

I thought all I had to do to change such a perceptive was say all I had is what I needed but even as I reechoed those words to myself
It didn’t sound like me at all
Because deep down I feel like I need more for me to say the words
All I have is all I need

I need more love for me as well as for you
Because the love I have for me seems like its been running on empty
And I know the ‘Love your neighbour as you love yourself’ verse very well
And if I am taking that verse literally
I will be loving my neighbour on empty
How does empty love look like?
Can love still be love even on empty?
Right this moment,it is safe to love myself only
Because there ain’t enough for both you and I

Guess it makes me selfish
Cause Its got me looking at life from my side
My eyes
My lenses
It’s got me missing the moment
And worrying about tomorrow
My folly

I need more peace
More sanity for my mind
I need that reassuring peace
When I am in the valley or on the mountain
In the fire or walking on water
On the rainy days and sunny days
At harvest or winter
Prosperity or want
Sickness or health

I need more hope
Because it has been raised by so many people and when they don’t fulfill their word,
It would plummet to the ground with so much force that it is in pieces that can’t be put together
Therefore I chose to not hope
To hope now feels like I’m jinxing the future
Its better to not hope for anything so when it doesn’t happen I was expecting it not to
So to say ‘ All I have is all I need’ just doesn’t sound like me
I really need more

I can’t say I have all I need when I had a childhood were I was bullied to a point of wanting to be someone else
Someone else who would look like she can’t be bullied cause she is just perfect
Maybe a light shade of my skin would do
A bright smile that was all sunshine
With a dimple on both sides of my cheek that would just amplify what I’m really feeling
A flashy hairstyle that would leave the masses in awe
A wine glass body
And a voice that sounded like melodies every time I spoke

My lack of contentment highlighted a character
Known by many as Lucifer
He was one of many gifts
One who weakened nations
An anointed cherub
He walked among the fiery stones
Whose heart became proud on account of his beauty
And corrupted his wisdom because of his splendor
yet despite all his beautiful traits
In his eyes they were never enough
Couldn’t satisfy his ego
And cost him his place in heaven
Hence his great fall

Now me getting to a place were I am okay with who I see in the mirror is a milestone that should be framed
It started with making myself lesser than
Looking at people’s shoes and not there face when they walked in
Purchasing things that would be approved by the person next to me
Or not even having the money to purchase all things I wanted
Doing all the stuff that looked cool
Living to please the masses
When actually I was looking like a fool
I tried to tick all the boxes
Yet still feeling not belonging
It was the applause of the seen audience I was seeking
Rather than that of the unseen God
It was a form of validation I was looking for from mere mortals
Who didn’t even take the time to create me
My story

And after a whole roller coaster ride on my journey of discontentment
I learnt the beauty of contentment
It’s about choosing to be satisfied in God in any circumstance
Trusting that he supplies all our needs
YES ALL
So whether I am found behind bars like Paul and Silas
Or thrown in a hot blazing furnace
I choose to find my fulfillment in God
Who promises never to leave
I choose to daily partake of Jesus water brooks that quench my thirst for whatever doesn’t satisfy
I won’t always have control over what happens around me
But I can make a conscious choice to be satisfied in He who satisfies my soul
The more I looked at life from this view
Gratitude was inevitable
For a content heart is also a grateful one.

____________________________________

Thank you for reading!❤️This specific writing was done by me and an amazing friend and blogger Alice Israel who owns a blog known as Diaries of a poet.🔥 This is a twin post which is available on both her website and mine (if only they was a way of merging our blogs for a day🥺). Thank you for reading once more and you may like, share and subscribe to both her blog and mine if you may.STAY BLESSED.🙏😊Link to her blog:https://diariesofapoet42604148.wordpress.com/

AN EXPERIENCE OF LOSS

The tightness in my chest
Felt like the bones that were meant to protect my insides turned on me
I couldn’t breathe anymore
I could see the trees swaying from the window in the corner but it seemed like the air meant for me to live was gone
I bent down for a second
I needed to remind myself to breathe
I know that sounds funny because we don’t think to breathe
But in this moment I had to tell myself to breathe

It felt like I was a director of a movie
And my cast keeps on leaving
How is the movie supposed to move on?
How am I supposed to perform my director role without them?
A replacement feels like I’m betraying the one who left
But even though I would want to
No one can really replace them

After my wave of breathless came an emptiness
A hearing but not listening
A looking but not seeing
I felt not there
Because I really didn’t want to be here for this
I didn’t want to be here for this

This may sound selfish I know, but I wanted to go first
Because just the thought of being left and not leaving first was heart wrenching
Wanting to feel it all but didn’t know how
I’ve never seen how to
I’ve never read how to because I guess no one has come close to defining this
What I was feeling right now
It was sickening

The experience of loss
How it can be sudden or slow
You know it will happen but just not today
Not tomorrow either
I am not denying the eventuality but just not now
Not just when I’ve realized their value
I used to see her be my mother but this is when she has become my friend
And just when I was exploring that dynamic
She is gone
Just when I got used to my Dad tucking me into bed
He is gone
Just when I realized what a friend they were
They are gone
Oh how it can be sudden or slow

My heart sinking to the pit of my stomach like its being anchored down
You want to tear it out but its not in the place it should be found
I just keep on tugging at my shirt cause I need to pull it out
Feeling it all and an urgent need for it to stop

This is all I felt and more when I lost someone I loved
But me reading Matthew 14 right now
I reach the part explaining the incidents concerning the beheading of John the Baptist
The news reaching Jesus and him leaving privately in a boat to go to a secluded place
The crowds hearing about his location and following him on foot
Jesus going ashore only to see a large crowd and he felt PROFOUND COMPASSION for the crowd and healed their sick
‘Wait, what!’
He literally just heard the news of the loss of John the baptist and he felt compassion?
He lost someone dear to him and he had time to feel compassion for someone?
This is the Jesus in human form experiencing human feelings BUT he felt compassion even when he was hurting

In the evening of that same day his disciples advice him to send the people away but he dismisses their advice and feeds them
He literally just received the news of the loss of John the Baptist
‘Wow’
In my moment of bible reading I am left awestruck
What manner of love is this?
To feel compassion when you are hurting
A recap of my loss highlights something very clearly
I was not thinking of helping anyone because I was HURT
I just lost someone I loved
What manner of love is this Lord?
To send your Son to die for me and you
To show compassion to a person who literally forgets your goodness in an instant
But even so, you keep on Loving me
He keeps on loving you
I am awestruck
I am speechless
I am amazed at such a manner of love

I have not yet found the words to articulate the exact way I feel
But something I’m sure of God
Is how grateful I am for the gift of your Son JESUS CHRIST

DADDY IS HOME

Looking out the window
I would look at the road leading to our home
But he was nowhere to be seen
He would come when I least expected it
Say reassuring words like “I will get you this and that”
And that would elate me
But before I knew it, he would be gone

I would try my best to get through to him
And he would sound like someone who was excited to hear me speak
But If I didn’t make an effort to tell him about what I need
He would be silent as water until the next time I would decide to reach out
And the cycle continued

When he would show up
He would shower me with a gift or two and I would have a good time
But just when the day was done
He would be GONE

Once, I was watching Television
It had all this Christmas vibe
There was Santa Claus visiting homes with gifts
The kids would wake up expectant and they would actually find something under their tree
But was Santa Claus anywhere to be seen?
Was he going to visit the house any other day apart from Christmas?
Then I had a moment of enlightment
‘Wow’ that really sounded like my Dad
Now you see him, now you don’t

He was up for the big days in my life like my birthdays
And even on those days,
It was no guarantee he would remember or actually show up
It was a bet

This experience taught me so many things I never knew I was learning
Like how to never trust a person’s word because it was no guarantee they will fulfill it
And this really saved me from so much heartache
But it is not to say that my learning those lessons was a giddy feeling
I would cry when he forgot it was my visitation day
And when you call,
He would sound honestly sorry
And he actually was
I think

Eventually
After a lifetime of lessons
It never really hurt anymore
It was expected
His absence was expected
His “now you see me, now you don’t” was expected
His gifts on the days he came were expected
His forgetfulness and honest sorry was expected
It didn’t really hurt anymore
Lower your expectations was the mantra

Fast forward to the times I actually noticed how other Dads did it
How they would be there
How they never forgot
Maybe they did but it never led to an expectation of that trait
How they would provide without being reminded
They just knew
But why didn’t mine know?
Why didn’t he know?

Those thoughts began to dig a feeling of inadequacy and of not being worth it
Until they dug a pit big enough I fell in
I began to identify myself with the effort or lack thereof
The value they placed on me became the determinant of my worth
All they said or did became the very measure of my identity for me

Who knew I had a father who could send his ONLY son to die just for me?
FOR ME
Who knew I had a father who called me his own?
Who knew I had a father who not only has the capability to supply all my needs but actually did it?
His words were not empty
His words held hope
His words held assurance
His words were wrapped with love
Love for me
Love for you
He reminded me of how he attended all the events my father didn’t
And even the ones he did

I never knew I had an identity crisis
Until I realized how much the words others spoke about me
Created the image I had of myself
How what they said or didn’t say meant this or that
Then the Father spoke

When the Father speaks, the seas calm
When the Father speaks, the empty and void have life and substance
When the Father speaks, the weak and weary receive strength
When the Father speaks, the dead rise
When the Father speaks, the dead become alive
When the Father speaks, the struggling receive help
When the Father spoke, my heart knew
My heart knew Daddy was home

REFLECTIONS II

It is a war inside
Battling the you you are, for the you you want to be
You know what’s right
You know what to do
It just feels new

It is like looking in the mirror
And seeing myself in that painted glass
It is so close to my feet yet I can’t reach out
The difference between the me in the mirror and the me I am
Is that this me, is who I aspire to be
The me with more joy than sorrow
More peace than anxiety
More in control of things that I think have me.

But when the me I want to be
Comes face to face with the me I am now
It feels like the me I strife for is vulnerable
It feels like the me I strife for is gentle
It feels like the me I strife for is peaceful

But the me I am now is ready to fight for the me I want to let go

It is my shadow
War against my own
It is me against me
The sorrow,the pain,the anxiety

Makes the me I see, seem to fade away
The me only found in scripture

Mirrors tell your story from a different point of view
Scripture tells a story from a divine side of you
It is an instruction manual of what to do
It’s the only time you look at your life
And pray for something new

It is a war inside
Battling the you, you are for the you, you want to be
You know what’s right
You know what to do
It just feels new

REFLECTIONS

One step in front of the other
Walking through a land of unfulfilled dreams
The absence of hope being the only thing I could breathe
Darkness being all I could see
Heaviness in my heart, mind and body
And as I looked at all the emptiness that left me feeling heavy
I shivered,
But I always knew what to run to
My blanket
It provided a sense of warmth that calmed me
But just for a while
Only just for a while

A while later
Here I was seeking out for something
Love, comfort, acceptance, healing and peace
When I felt the faintest insecurity
I would reach out for that temporary embrace
A sense of warmth that calmed me
But just for a while
Only just for a while

I knew it was temporary but I was okay with having temporary continuously
I would find another temporary to fill the expired temporary

I knew there was someone who was always there
But someone who is ALWAYS THERE is simply implying they are permanent
This ‘someone’ not only used to show up at the right time
But was always there even when I thought it wasn’t right

I had adapted to temporary that the thought of ‘someone’ being PERMANENT didn’t just settle well with me
Why would this ‘someone’ do that to themselves?
To ALWAYS BE THERE
The blanket had no expectations or so I thought
I would prefer picking it over the ‘someone’

It wasn’t right that I would deny this ‘someone’ but still say they will never leave
I would run far away but when I look back
He would be right next to me like I never left
I would feel burdened with all that comes with life and living
And he would say ‘give that to me’
‘Let me carry it for you’
Wasn’t I burdening him?
Wasn’t I tiring?
To follow everywhere and always

I asked him why he doesn’t just let me go
I’ve made it clear that I have been managing with temporary
I’ve been managing my problems without him
Not that I did it perfectly
But who is it to say I can’t perfect the skill of ‘management’

And he told me how nothing could separate me from his love
I would go hide in the deepest waters but he will find me
Make my bed in hell and still he would find
And by found I don’t just mean compass and coordinates
I mean he will be with me through it all

I didn’t realize this but it was then when it hit me
There is nothing I would ever do, say, think and feel that would change the love this ‘someone’ had for me
Thank you ‘someone’ for being JESUS

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